Writing my life out on the pavement

And no, I’m not telling you to do as I preach. It’s that I need to do more of what I preach instead of pretending that things are going to change.

The last few months have been all over the place mentally and emotionally. I’m really not sure where to go from here. It’s not easy feeling like what you had in a relationship is already going up in flames. And the sad part is that I tried to be different, I tried talking about it and I still feel like I’m back where I didn’t want to be again.

The hardest part about all of this is that I’m still in love so breaking up feels out of the question. But it’s truly unfair to feel dismissed or ignored. Whether it’s been done intentionally or not, it still hurts. So what does someone do in my shoes? I know what I would be saying to my girlfriends.

“Leave.”

“Look for someone else that values you. “

“If he really wanted to, he would. And he doesn’t, so you might as well end it before he does.”

I’ve thought through all of these words of wisdom I’d give to anyone else but it’s been hard to do it for myself. Mainly because I try to consider the issues that my partner could be working through and I allow those to be excuses for his behavior. It’s never about me just making him accountable for some reason.

So what do I do? I need to stop myself from going insane. That’s number one. This behavior has definitely had me going crazy in my own thoughts and I need a damn break.

Secondly, I need to be honest and up front with what I want. Still working on that one. What I do know is that I want to have communication with this person. I don’t want half of my messages to blown off when I’m expecting some sort of response.

Lastly, I guess I just want to some honesty and openness. I’d like him to tell me what the hell is bothering him so I can support appropriately. It’s the not knowing that’s been really hard to deal with.