This is an email I intended on sending someone I had hoped would always be in my life, but decided against it. I’ve since decided to post it here for two reasons. The first being that I needed to do something with these thoughts before emailing it to its intended recipient and questioning every ounce of sanity I thought I still had left. The second reason is that this relationship was a huge part of my journey, no matter how tumultuous and glorious it all may have been….
Dearest love,
The last few days have been extremely difficult. But one of the hardest parts has been accepting that I’ve lost you. I’ll say what the other part has been further down.
I never imagined this ending. Every day since our last conversation, there have been things I’ve wanted to tell you, share about my day. There have been things I wanted to check in with you about. Around work, the kids, and just you.
I’ve also sat with my thoughts around why this even came to end in the first place. I know that you’ve felt disrespected with my actions and I’m also aware that you may believe that I don’t see anything wrong with those actions. This will take some elaboration so bear with me.
I recognize that you’ve felt disrespected with my omission and my willingness to give out my number to another guy. You mentioned that I may not be ready for a committed relationship and I took that as a jab. But I thought about it. And you’re right in some ways. As much as I want to be with you, feeling like I owed someone an explanation was not something I felt like I owed you. Especially not after you so easily treated me the way you did. And I want to be careful in not letting you think that I did these things to get back at you, because I didn’t. However, mentally, I didn’t feel like anyone of importance to you in those two weeks. I was yours and yet it felt like you completely discarded me instead of taking the time to come to me, no matter how hard or how angry you were.
I do see the wrong in what I did. If I were feeling completely in this relationship and that it was being reciprocated 100%, then I don’t believe that I would have done either of the two things that broke us. I felt like I was straddling a line between being in this relationship and it no longer being a relationship because I didn’t know where I stood with you. I kept trying give all of myself to you but really felt like you were only giving me bits and pieces of yourself. And while I understand that you felt betrayed and held back in some ways (location shut off, calendar and receipts) it did nothing to reassure me that my commitment was being met with the same level of commitment from you.
It’s been a struggle trying to balance my “freedom” alongside owing someone a sense of myself when you still viewed this relationship as an affair and nothing more. And if you didn’t view it as such, it’s definitely not the way you treated it in my eyes. You didn’t allow certain things to happen in our relationship because of what you thought others would think and I never could understand that. We were in a loving relationship. How it started was no one’s business.
The other part that I alluded to in the beginning was that even now, I don’t know that I really felt like you wanted me in the last 2 months of our time together. It was the initial chase and that was it. Why would I say that? Because you made sure to tell me that you’d fight for this if it ever came down to it. Yet, you let me finish this without so much as a fight. I never imagined that the only person you wouldn’t fight to keep this together, would be yourself. You weren’t willing to physically sit with me and talk through this breakup. As someone that’s been in a marriage before, you know that some things require a personal touch, attention, if they’re meant to work out. I relied solely on texts and phone calls because finding a way to see you in person was nearly impossible.
Now that 5 days have passed, I’m in a very odd place with my heart. I want you like never before. But I also want us to be able to work through these issues because if it’s not this, it’ll be something else that pisses you off and we’ll need to address it as adults that can talk through their problems instead of running from them. Or prioritizing one person’s feeling over the other.
One more thing before I close this chapter. I discovered a song that expressed exactly how I wish this man could have been with me. It’s not to say that I’m not flexible in meeting someone halfway to make sure both of our feelings are taken into account, but one thing I’ll never do is ask someone to change who they are.
Writing my life out on the pavement 
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