Writing my life out on the pavement

I’m torn for the right words. My ex-husband sent me an email that I wasn’t expecting, basically saying he wishes or hoped I’d give the marriage one more shot. And I’m not torn for reasons that anyone might think.

For 15 years, I did a lot. I bent over backwards trying to appease everyone but myself, fought in silence to feel dignity in a space that should have been more welcoming; I was ignored, dismissed, under appreciated and not valued for the contributions I made each and every day. When I decided to take a stance and leave the relationship I had worked hard to build, that’s when he decided to take action. Why?

Why does anyone wait to act until it’s too late? I don’t ask this question because I want to go back and give this another shot. Been there, done that. I ask because the feelings I’ve developed causing me to leave can’t be flipped just because someone finally thought it was time to make changes. Do people anticipate that their pleas and hopes will be met with enough empathy to cease any further conflict and reset the narrative?

If you ask me, it’s a little too late to start begging for an opportunity once that door has been closed. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad. When I got that email filled with regret and hopes of a future together, I felt bad for the person that lost the marriage. And for a few minutes, I let myself get carried away with those sad feelings. But that quickly changed to feeling a sense of resentment.

I started to read between the lines and noticed that everything he was saying still didn’t show any accountability for what brought us to this point. He goes on to say that he had hoped that by letting me go, I would miss him or realize that I’d miss certain things about him that would make me rethink my leaving. This missed the mark for me on so many levels.

I get the premise behind the email. But damn. It made me realize that he still didn’t understand why I was leaving. Of course I’ll miss our relationship. I’ll miss the friendship we had because it was a great friendship. And like in any friendship, you learn things about each other that can make way for amazing and fun times. But that wasn’t enough. Friends come and go.

All this to say, divorce sucks. But it pales in comparison to a marriage where all you get is a little effort with the hope of a successful partnership. It just won’t happen. Maybe one of you will feel great and fulfilled thinking that all is kosher. But the other person will be left trying to figure out when they’ll get to feel something…anything to keep them going to the next day.