Writing my life out on the pavement

Happily married for almost 10 years.

Own a home, great careers, we have wonderful, beautiful children.

Something was missing. And no one, let alone me could have seen it coming.

The happiness, it wasn’t genuine. It was a facade that I leaned onto hoping that I could ride it out until it became real. But that didn’t happen.

The past several years have been a whirlwind of emotions, drinking heavily, taking different medications to treat depression and anxiety and contemplating suicide. And through all of this, had you seen me on the street, you would have never guessed I was struggling with all of these demons. I made sure to not let it affect my day to day because as a mom, you have more to worry about and focus on than just yourself.

But it took its toll.

I felt resentment. I felt jealousy every night when my husband could go to sleep and seemingly drift off to la la land without a worry in the world. Meanwhile, I’m getting little to no sleep some nights.

And now, on the verge of our 10 year wedding anniversary, I’ve asked for a divorce. No one tells you that it can end that quickly. Because let me just say, 10 years went by like a flash of a light. But how did it end? How did I manage to ask for the separation that would end the relationship I thought I needed and wanted for the whole of 15 years?

It was a culmination of several years feeling little to no emotional support during the hardest days of our lives. Finances were tight. I had a full time job that was great but demanding most of the time. I also was in school full time and that didn’t stop me from duties at home. I was left managing the kids, and their daycare schedule fell on me 99% of the time. Plus I had the every day tasks at home like cleaning, cooking and laundry that again, fell on me.

If this sounds a bit repetitive, then you may understand why I’m choosing to leave. The person in the marriage that carried the burden of all of this was me. And that load was heavy enough to crush a thousand men.

Eventually, I had to ask myself why stick around. If I’m going to be the wife and husband, then I might as well do it on my own terms.