Today a coworker asked why I desired to keep moving up the corporate ladder. This coworker knows a lot about my life and she thinks that I’ve done well for myself considering the trauma and abuse I dealt with as a child. She’s told me on numerous occasions that I should be proud of my accomplishments. And I started to ask myself, why wasn’t I content?
I constantly feel like I need to keep progressing as if remaining stagnant was a downfall. I’m sure that some of this has to deal with the fact that I live in California and keeping up with the Joneses is definitely a thing for me sometimes. But that’s not the only reason why I am, at times, oddly obsessed with progress. And honestly, I’m not even sure if I’m aware of my own mind enough to really know what the answer to that question is.
Question: Who has provided support or rallied behind you in your life? Think about it, and then keep up with me…
Have you ever had to deal with either a parent or someone else that should have been supportive that just wasn’t there for you? In my case, that person would be my Dad.
My Dad was just a terrible support system, and sometimes still is to this day. All I ever wanted was his support or his acknowledgement that I was doing well or made him proud. Those words have never come out of his mouth and I craved them in my life. I never thought of myself as someone that needed this type of validation. I definitely didn’t need him in order to think that whatever I was doing was great. But I sometimes ask myself why he gave his other two kids that acknowledgement and not me.
All of that to say that I question my life lol. I question my actions, direction, and thoughts constantly. I am my own worst critic even when I’m killing it. It’s almost like I can’t be happy with the current state of my life. I need to keep pushing for more and more. Always on the verge of depression because I feel inadequate.
Am I always going to be like this? God, I hope not.
Writing my life out on the pavement 
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