Writing my life out on the pavement

It’s taken me several years to get this going. To finally write THIS. I’m not a writer. However, I have always hoped to get this on paper and somehow get someone to read it. So thank you.

I currently work for a large healthcare organization in Northern California. I love my job. That wasn’t always the case for me, so I’m grateful to have finally found a place where I feel appreciated. I also feel like this is the place that help take me to the next level of my career. I think about it almost every single day. It’s not just a desire, it’s a need.

Why this big need to be someone? I feel like I should have been someone already. My dream as a kid? A singer. I should have been a singer. But that dream was laid to rest long before I killed it for myself.

I remember signing the national anthem in my living room. I don’t know how old I was, but what I do remember is that I was able to hit that high note, “and the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air…” I thought to myself…holy shit, I just did it. It felt amazing. I went out to the front yard afterwards and saw the neighbor coming out to her car. She stopped me and asked, “Was that you singing in there?”

“Yea,” I said.

“You did a really great job,” she said.

“Thank you!” My face in full grin mode and damn near crying because I knew she’d heard me. I saw her through the grated door of my house. I let someone else hear me and it felt amazing. That was the last time I let that happen.

Years will go by until I allowed myself to sing in public again. Sure I joined the church choir, but my voice among many was hardly ever noticeable. And I liked it that way, for the most part. I always told myself that I would kill it at a solo opportunity but I never tried. I never put myself in that position because I knew what happened when someone gave me any attention. So I stayed, voice obscured, hidden within the other singers and I was ok with that. I was safe.