Writing my life out on the pavement

It was 7pm and I was looking at my daughters play with each other. I’ve already drank a bottle of champagne tonight so my self loathing is very strong. I was thinking of how my girls are currently just laughing and enjoying themselves. I usually feel like they’re lacking something in their lives, but they’re content with just chasing each other through the house.

And queue the thoughts of why I feel like I need to be ahead in life, more ahead than where I’m currently sitting in life. I drive a Mercedes, I have a high paying job, I own my home; and last I checked, I was sipping on champagne. It looks sooooo bleak from where I’m sitting. I know, that’s sarcasm. First world problems at best. I’m not oblivious to how this may come across. There are others not in my boat that may think that I’m being delusional for even complaining. But let me say this: Not everyone is surviving just because they have more than others.

I’ve tried telling myself that I have it made. I can’t complain. I have a very stable job and a great income. But why am I not happy, then? It’s not always about money. Once you reach a certain salary, I’ve come to understand that people start living at a certain level of means. I used to never understand why a doctor could say that they’re struggling, especially in California where wages are insanely good. But that’s just it. We live in California, where you literally have to shit money out of your own ass in order to feel like you’re surviving. We ALL live beyond our means because no one has a salary that keeps up with inflation. No one.

And for those saying, “boohoo, you drive a Mercedes.” Yea, I could be driving a Toyota. But since rates were crazy high when my old Lexus died (ran it to the ground at 293k miles) at the beginning of the year, I had no choice but to buy a car. My rate was 8% and even after I put down 12k, I’m still paying a little under $700 a month. It didn’t matter what or where I purchased the car, so I went with my dream car.

Back to my initial reason for this post tonight. I have been sulking. I wish my life was different. I wish that the money I made, actually made a difference in my life. I sometimes wish we could sell our house and travel the world. Screw everything else. I could care less about having the fanciest job, home or car. I just want to stop feeling like no matter what I do, I’ll never get ahead.

Kids are asleep, and it’s only 9:20pm. I’m really drunk now. I need to sleep. I have work in the morning and the last thing I want to do is wake up to get ready for another week of life that won’t change my trajectory.