Writing my life out on the pavement

It’s been a few months since my last post. I thought this was going to be a regular thing for me but alas, life happens. I went back to work. Now my life revolves around deadlines and making sure everyone is fed at a decent hour. I used to write a lot when I was breastfeeding my daughter but at almost 10 months old, she refuses to stay on the boob longer than 5 minutes without squirming away.

But I have missed this. Every day after work, anxiety creeps in. Dark thoughts plague my very existence. And no, I’m not suicidal. But the thoughts I have get me so down about my life, it’s almost like…queue all and any 90’s melodramatic songs that were ever written by a scorned woman.

I start to think about my past and the shit I’ve gone through. The abuse. The abuse alone takes me to places I never want to even touch with a ten foot pole. And then there are the thoughts of hurting others. Not physically but emotionally. As if me being abused and telling on the perpetrator which would then cause chaos in my family be ultimately MY fault. It would always be my fault.

Well I let life get a hold of me and the writing had stopped but now I’m feeling the angst coming back again. Especially in the afternoon on my drive back home. Not quite sure why that is but that’s when I feel the most low about my existence. So I’ll be writing again. Once a week at least. I hope to make it more of a ritual to get all the noise out of my head.