Writing my life out on the pavement

Have you ever had just a really bad day? Like one that just keeps getting worse and worse? One that makes you want all the sweets, junk food or alcohol in the world in hopes that will make it all better? Or perhaps running in the opposite direction of your problems, thinking that will make things just disappear? Yea, that’s the day I’ve had.

As a mom of 2 kids, a newborn and a 9 year old, I don’t exactly have the luxury of running away or getting drunk at happy hour. I really do wish I could though.

Today my son Alex* had a baseball game to go to, and as usual, we were running late. Right as we need to head out, he tells me he doesn’t have his cleats. Queue the crying baby. My daughter, with the great timing that she instinctively has, decides now is the perfect time to scream her head off.

Alex calls his dad to see if he left them at his house over the weekend and his dad finds them sitting in his room. So we hurry out of the house and in the back of my mind, I’m hoping my daughter falls asleep on the way to get the cleats because I knew she was tired and a car ride usually does the trick. Well…not today!

My daughter was screaming her head off. To the point where she had turned redder than a tomato and was hyperventilating and spitting up. I lost my shit. I start getting upset because I couldn’t help her and then the worst happened. I take it out on my son. Not because I truly blamed him for her crying, but because I was just so upset, I didn’t have anyone else to direct my helplessness and frustration on. I felt like complete and utter shit.

I’ve yelled at my son before. Unfortunately for me, my anxiety and depression do make me react first and think later so this isn’t new. But I had told myself and my son that I would be better. That I wouldn’t do this to him anymore. And then, it happened. I did it again. All he could do was hang his head and look down as I berated him and his lack of readiness.

Alex is usually on his phone in the car, but not today. He felt so bad at seeing his sister crying and me getting upset that he hadn’t even turned the phone on. And since I automatically think he’s on his phone rather than helping his sister calm down, as if that were his job, I yelled at him to get off his phone. And he looked up and said, “I’m not on my phone. It’s off.” And so I looked at his phone, and true as day, it was off. The punches just keep on coming.

Safe to say, I apologized like crazy once the baby calmed down and I cooled off. A huge sense of guilt came over me because I made this kid feel like shit right before his game. All he said after each apology was, “It’s ok Mom.” But it was far from ok.

My day just kept getting worse after that. Once I dropped off my son at his game, I left him there with his stepdad, I decided to get food for myself and my daughter kept on crying. That’s what I get for doing something for myself after the mess I made with my son. I had to pull over twice after leaving the restaurant just to calm the baby down. Once I got home I started eating since my daughter was still asleep. And wouldn’t you know it, my food tasted like crap. It was cold and soggy. Karma at its finest.

It’s 8:13pm, and at this point, I’m just hoping to go to bed soon and leave this day behind me. Tomorrow is my 3rd year wedding anniversary and I hope to be able to make it a day better than today.

Moral of this day, stop and breathe. Think before you speak and remember that crying won’t kill your baby. If I stick to this mentality, I’m sure I won’t lose it next time. Crossing my fingers I can actually remember what I’m telling you to do when this happens again.