Writing my life out on the pavement

In my previous posts, I’ve mentioned that I have one son from a previous marriage. His father and I separated when he was just one year old. It was probably the best decision I made for us both, but it sure didn’t feel like it at the time.

We argued every single time we saw each other when doing the dropoff for the weekend. It was pretty intense at times. Now, I can’t even remember what we would argue about. But one thing will never leave my memory about that time in my life and it’s when my son Alex* told us to stop arguing.

Alex was barely 2 when he finally found the words to tell us enough was enough. “Stop it Mommy! No more!” That’s what he yelled out in the parking lot as my ex-husband John* and I were arguing with Alex in the middle. My heart broke in two that day and I finally realized what our arguing was doing to our son. We did stop arguing that day, at least in front of Alex. He didn’t deserve to see us chew each other out all the time. That was literally the whole point and reason why I left the marriage. Well, one of the reasons why I left. I wanted my son to have a happy upbringing, one that didn’t include his parents fighting all the time.

Since then, John and I have gotten to a great place where we can have grown up conversations. Or, dare I say, almost “friend” conversations which has been a warm welcome. It took us almost 7 years, but we’re here. Now we do our best to make sure everything we do is in Alex’s best interest. But there are some things that unfortunately haven’t changed, even though it’s been 7 years.

John still hasn’t learned how to be the father I had always Alex would have. He tends to do things when he wants or how he wants them done without factoring in our son. John usually has Alex every weekend while I have Alex Monday through Friday. I have always done any kind of “grown up” trips on the weekends so that it doesn’t interfere with my time with my son. John, on the other hand, always does his own thing on the weekend which is something I have never understood. The man is self employed, his business is more dependent on the busy weekends, so I’ve always asked him to go out of town during the week so he can be with his son on his days. John for some reason can’t fathom that idea.

Now, I could care less what John does in his private life. I really don’t care. But it sure is hard to see your child wondering why his Dad is never around for him on weekend.

Alex, now age 9, plays baseball. It’s his first time playing so it’s a big deal in our house. He’s never played any sport so we’ve made sure he feels very confident by having our extended families come watch his games and provide tons of cheers. But the one person always missing a game has been his father. With the season halfway through, John has yet to come watch his son play.

I have felt bad and wondered if my son was the only one on the team didn’t have both parents at his games. Silly me right? It’s 2018…most people are divorced nowadays right. But still, I guess I was being naive. That is until another parent of the baseball team mass texted everyone to say his son was at his mom’s house and therefore couldn’t make it to practice. It hit me. Why aren’t parents more devoted to their kids when they’re divorced?

Like, it seriously hit me like a ton of bricks because that text was exactly something I would say if John had Alex on the weekend and didn’t allow him to come to a game. What is up with that!? John and I made a conscious decision to have this kid yet he finds no time in his life to come watch a single or practice yet gets frantic with himself when I tell him his son wants to change his last name. He starts to wonder why Alex would want that if he is such a great father (this is where I roll my eyes).

I suppose this rant, because let’s face that’s what this is, has been in me for a while now because as a mom, I can’t understand why any parent can’t put in the effort to be there. I keep hearing from other moms that their kid’s fathers aren’t coming to games or that they have to work around the other parent’s schedule because they’re not flexible. It’s supposed to be for the kid isn’t it? Everything we do after giving birth is for them, is it not? Then why be a parent? I know a lot more goes into being a parent but really, no amount of money can substitute quality time.

***Names have been changed to protect their identities.