Yay! Congratulations! How exciting!? These are all the things a new mom hears upon having a baby. In my case, this was my 3rd pregnancy so I’ve heard it all (side note: been pregnant 3x, but had a miscarriage on the 2nd pregnancy). Pregnancy is great, it really is. Beyond all the shitty pain, no sleep towards the end and just feeling absolutely miserable, it really is peachy. I personally, enjoy pregnancy so don’t get me wrong. But what isn’t talked about a lot is what happens after the baby is already. After all the “ohhs” and “ahhs” are over, it can be pretty intense.
So I mentioned I’ve been pregnant before. I was 21 when I had my first baby. I was married to my douche of an ex-husband so I already knew this was going to be a party of one when it came to parenting and everything in between. I was semi prepared to feel crappy or to get some sort of mild depression because of my circumstances. Fortunately, that wasn’t the case. I was able to push through the nightly feedings and lack of sleep without developing postpartum depression. Fast forward ten years later and I’m happy to say I have a different husband who is a lot more help than the previous one. But that still doesn’t change a few things that can still happen once the baby gets here.
There are some days where I tell people when asked how I’m doing, that “I’m ok.” Or, “The lack of sleep sucks, but I’m doing great.” Then there are times I actually fess up and tell people I’m having a hard time and have anxiety or feeling a bit depressed. Most people just give that look like, “Ugh, I didn’t want to hear that,” and so I move the conversation to another subject. Being with a baby all day is tough. Most people understand that yet no one wants to hear about it.
Feelings of loneliness, self doubt, regret, sadness, anger are all things I’ve come to realize are part of my new normal as a mother. It has been a hard road and there are some days I wish I never got pregnant. Sometimes I feel as if this was all a mistake and that I only did this to appease the longing my husband had for a child of his own. You see, I was fine with not having anymore children. My son was enough for me, at times. Yes, there were those moments I would wish for another sibling for my son, but I just had so much freedom. And that was one thing I knew from day one was going to be the hardest to let go of. Knowing I could travel somewhere every weekend, get drunk when I wanted, sleep in on every holiday or spend all the money I had was something I just couldn’t see myself giving up. I was living the dream! But my husband wanted a child and he just couldn’t understand how I could put all of those things ahead of expanding our family. But what he doesn’t realize is that he never has to stop living the dream. No, unfortunately that only happens to me, the one who has to carry the baby and now take care of the baby 24/7.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter. But my husband will never understand the sacrifices I’ve made for him to have a child of his own. I know all too well how nice it is to finally say your child is independent enough where your role consists of getting things he can’t reach or making food on the stove because he’s too young to cook unsupervised. Literally, my son could do mostly everything without my help. We used to come home from school and chill for the rest of the day because he finished all of his homework at school so there was really nothing left for me to do, but feed him. It was great! Now, my day consists of being a human bottle and living at the mercy of a 2 month old baby. Huge life change…huge!
So of course, now two months in, I’ve come to realize that this is now my new life. Has it made it all easier? No. Will I eventually be happy in my new role? Sure, these feelings will go away and I’ll even probably want to do this to myself all over again to have one more baby. It just doesn’t make it any easier knowing your body can put you through all of these emotions and thoughts while you have no such control over them. Because I know in the end of it all, having a baby was a blessing, a choice I willingly made to have, and one I would gladly do all over again.
Writing my life out on the pavement 
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